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Raydon Athletic AGM - January 11th 2003
Malcolm Baggio was the refuse collection vehicle at this year’s Raydon Athletic AGM, collecting all the Raydon news. Here he is now at the landfill site that is Those Were The Days to offload the Ramblings rubbish for you to recycle.
Those present
Staff: Roland Peters (Manager), Lionel Stubbs (Chairman, Physio, Groundsman, Secretary, Treasurer), Elaine Funtingdale (Kit Manageress), Jason Gooseflesh (Goalkeeping Coach) Players: Jack Crankleshank (Captain), Ian Buffalo, Andy Slipper, Derek Diffydale-Smith, Mansley Kilkorkey, Dougie McManahammond, George Mnunga, Colin Muggles, Ronnie Twig, Les Candlestick, Dave Mackinackie.
Apologies for absence
Jack Funtingdale - unable to make it
Mal Chipaway - busy
Jean-Pierre Duval - otherwise engaged
Saul Quan - stuff to do
Introduction
Unlike previous years when the AGM has been held at Lionel Stubb’s mansion, the decision was taken to hold this years meeting in the conference suite at the nearby five-star Hotel Royale as Stubb’s wife Rita wanted to use the living room for a bikini-line waxing and rose-pruning party
Lionel Stubbs opened the meeting by thanking everyone for attending and vehemently criticising those who hadn’t. Stubbs began running through a detailed synopsis of the ups and downs of the club over previous year, but after two minutes was interrupted by manager Roland Peters urging him to “just get on with it.”
Appointment of Jason Gooseflesh as Goalkeeping Coach
Stubbs welcomed former goalkeeper Jason Gooseflesh to the meeting and announced that the club have appointed him as the new Goalkeeping Coach. Gooseflesh left the club at the end of last season due to problems with his excessive weight. He will now be involved in training his replacement, Ian Buffalo, whenever he can summon up enough energy. Stubbs also announced that Gooseflesh is hoping to lose weight and put himself back into contention for a first team place. This was met with prolonged derisory laughter from the floor.
Dog’s muck on the pitch
Kit Manageress Elaine Funtingdale voiced her concerns about the increasing amount of dog’s muck on Raydon’s Clockton Road pitch. Elaine explained that she was having to run some kits through three wash cycles at 95 degrees to get the smell of excrement out of the players’ shirts and as a result some were beginning to shrink.
She added that Colin Muggles’ shirt in particular had become so tight that it had started gradually ripping whenever he inhaled whilst wearing it.
Several suggestions were made regarding how to combat the problem. Roland Peters suggested hiding behind a tree and shooting any canine offenders with his twelve-bore shotgun. This idea was scuppered by Mansley Kilkorkey who pointed out the serious legal implications of such action and more importantly the lack of any suitable trees in the vicinity of the pitch.
It was eventually agreed that the simplest solution was to install a series of CCTV cameras around the pitch which would be linked to screens in a secretly located specially constructed underground control centre.
New Years Party
Stubbs solemnly handed over to captain Jack Crankleshank who tearfully expressed his deep regret at the trouble which occurred at the recent New Years Party in Blackpool. Crankleshank explained how thirteen club personnel had travelled to the Lancashire resort to attend an upmarket dinner dance and firework display at a top class hotel to see in the new year. Unfortunately, they arrived at the venue to discover the dress code was smart shoes only. Nigerian striker, George Mnunga’s feet were adorned in traditional Nigerian Aadvark-skin moccasins and he was refused entry.
Instead of leaving Mnunga to return to his hotel alone, the party decided to find an alternative venue. The only place where they were able to gain entry was a knees-up at an old people’s home. The evening started with the party enjoying a small sweet sherry in the day room playing dominoes with some of the more lively residents. It ended four hours later with them being bundled into the back of a police van by the local riot police after a series of drunken incidents which included Dougie McManahammond vomiting into a commode and an inebriated Les Candlestick trying to seduce a senile old lady. The trouble peaked when the drunken group held an impromptu penalty shoot out in the dinner hall using wheelchairs as goal posts and a urine-filled colostomy bag as the football. Goalkeeper Ian Buffalo made a spectacular flying save from McManahammond’s thunderous penalty, but in tipping the colostomy bag wide of the wheelchair, he inadvertently flung it into the face of the unimpressed warden of the home where it burst, drenching him in urine. Crankleshank explained that the party have since sent a ‘sorry’ card to the old people’s home, paid for a replacement colostomy bag and invited the old people to attend the clubs forthcoming away game against Walton on the Naze Academicals.
Two of the elderly residents remain in a zombie-like state of shock and have not spoken since the incident.
Condition of the pitch
On behalf of the players, Dougie McManahammond voiced concern over the state of the Raydon pitch claiming that only about 15% of the surface was covered by grass and asked what was being done about it. Chairman, Physio, Secretary, Treasurer and Groundsman Lionel Stubbs reacted angrily insisting, “I can only do one bloody thing at a time!” Manager Roland Peters suggested that perhaps a new groundsman should be appointed to ease the burden on Stubbs shoulders. Stubbs reacted by throwing his empty tankard against the wall and storming out of the room shouting, “I get the message, you think I can’t bloody cope. Well sod the lot of you! I quit.”
He returned two minutes later looking sheepish saying that perhaps a new groundsman would be a good idea. Jack Crankleshank volunteered and was duly appointed.
Club Sponsorship
Lionel Stubbs announced that the club have cancelled their sponsorship deal with Barry’s Car Repairs as the new clutch that they fitted to his BMW, “is a bit stiff.” He then ordered Kit Manageress, Elaine Funtingdale to pick the Barry’s Car Repairs logo off all of the clubs home and away shirts before the next match.
Stubbs announced that he is in negotiations with a number of companies to take over as club sponsor, including Nancy’s Knitwear of Needham Market and Microsoft.
Family Fun-Day 2003
Plans are already underway for this Summer’s annual fun-day. Roland Peters has booked local up-and-coming female heavy metal band, The Satanettes to provide the evening entertainment. Mansley Kilkorkey is hoping to acquire a real army tank armed with live ammunition to appear as an attraction at the event. Mansley has a friend who knows someone at work who’s girlfriend’s brother went to school with somebody drives tanks in the army.
Other attractions that are being planned are a chain jump (like a bungee jump but with chain instead of a bungee rope), rodeo bull (with Mad Oscar - a real live bull from Jack Funtingdale’s farm!) and a traditional Anglo Saxon body-piercing stall.
Annual accounts
Stubbs explained the state of the club’s finances with help of the club’s brand new state-of-the-art 3D digital overhead projector and specially handmade slides. He started by voicing grave concerns over the future of the club, stating that only the utmost frugality and thriftiness will see them through the current tough climate within the game. There was a 15 minute recess while all attendees enjoyed several glasses of the finest champagne and a cordon bleu finger buffet, courtesy of the club. The meeting resumed with Stubbs reiterating the need to tighten the purse strings, as he slurped on his fifth tankard of champagne and nibbled on his fourth caviar vol-au-vent. Expenditure was divided into the following sections:
Catering 24%
Kit 17%
Hiring of AGM venue 16%
Overhead projector 14%
Washing powder for kits 12%
Unaccounted for 5%
Maintenance of ground 3%
‘Sorry card’ and colostomy bag 4%
Miscellaneous activities 1%
Sundry items 1%
Random expenditure 1%
None of the above 1%
Other 1%
Any other business
For the third year running Colin Muggles raised the issue of a loose clothes hook in the changing hut, complaining that his duffle coat was always falling off and getting trampled by the other players. However, by this stage everyone had had enough and he was quickly persuaded to give up by Lionel Stubb’s promise to place it at the top of next year’s agenda.
The meeting was then adjourned, then promptly readjourned by a large section of players in the hotel bar.
By Daniel Harvey and James Powell
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