Malcolm Baggio has devoured too much Raydon pie and is hear to vomit it all over you, the readership in the form of Raydon Ramblings

It was pleasing that Raydon managed to survive the summer without losing any players. Dougie McManahammond was, as usual subject to intense transfer speculation throughout the summer.Local rivals Holbrook Harriers were favourites to secure McManahammond’s signature until Roland Peters threatened the Holbrook manager with physical violence if he secured his signature, after which the interest diminished.

There should be competition for the goalkeeping jersey this season at Clockton Park as former goalkeeper, Jason Gooseflesh, who retired due to problems with his excessive weight, went on an intense diet over the summer. The larger than life gentle giant, who’s typical daily menu used to include suet and lard pie, several pints of double cream, battered doughnuts, numerous deep fried chocolate splats and a gallon of lager, switched to a diet of nothing but the odd peanut due to the depression that was sparked by redundancy from his job as a pork scratching technician. He has dropped from a massive 25 stone to just 9 and a half stone. Gooseflesh has attended a series of counseling sessions in order to overcome his depression, much to the annoyance of Raydon manager Roland Peters who is hoping that Gooseflesh can keep the pounds off. “I want competition for that goalkeeping jersey and Jason has every chance of making the number one shirt his own again as long as he’s not a fat bastard. My worry is that these counseling sessions will cheer him up too much and the bugger will start eating like a bloody pig again. There’s no point having a bloody weeble in goal.”

The latest on the Gooseflesh situation is positive. Not only have his counseling sessions proved successful, he has also agreed to have his stomach stapled in a bid to prevent him returning to his gluttonous ways. Raydon’s multi-millionaire Chairman, Lionel Stubbs has agreed to finance the operation saying, “Roland Peters is desperate to get Jason back into contention for a place in the team and Jason wants to get back playing again. However, now Jason’s no longer suffering from depression, the only way he can get himself into contention is if he can resist eating enough food during a year to eradicate world famine. I’m always happy to use my wealth to help out my club. And anyway, it shouldn’t cost that much to do it as I’ve had a word with a mate of mine whose a vet and he’ll do it on the cheap.”

Raydon played several pre-season friendlies, culminating in a showpiece charity affair at Clockton Park against a traveling team of French students a week before the start of the season. The Raydon team had a similar look to it as last season. Ian Buffalo was handed the goalkeeping jersey as Jason Gooseflesh was still recovering from his bout of depression and awaiting his stomach stapling operation. The only change was the presence of young midfield starlet, Colin Muggles in the starting line up who was preferred to Saul Quan.

The French team had the unusual feature of having Siamese twins, joined at the waist, in their starting line up. It was only the third time that Raydon had played against Siamese twins. What made this instance particularly unusual was the fact that one of the twins, Antoinne Confiture was the goalkeeper and the other, Edgar Confiture was a centre forward so they had to cover an incredible amount of ground during the game.

Raydon dominated the game and were 11-0 up at half time, mainly because when the French team attacked, their goal was left unattended. Every time Raydon regained possession they simply lofted the ball back into the French goal.

There was drama early in the second half when Edgar Confiture was involved in a scuffle with Jack Crankleshank. A hefty, sliding challenge from Crankleshank sent Edgar and his twin Antoinne flying. The tackle went unpunished and as Edgar and Antoinne laid helplessly on the pitch, the loose ball dropped to Jack Funtingdale on the half way line who sent the ball sailing into the empty French goal for Raydon’s 12^th. The twins remonstrated with Crankleshank, and Edgar, incensed by Crankleshank's nonchalant attitude to the incident, swung a punch at him, catching him on the chin. Fortunately Crankleshank’s central defensive partner, Mal Chippaway intervened as he was about to unleash what would have almost certainly been an unnecessarily violent attack on the twins. There was then an extremely unusual incident as the referee sent off Edgar Confiture, and the French coach had no option but to substitute his twin Antoinne so that Edgar could leave the pitch. Raydon physio, Lionel Stubbs’ offer to attempt an emergency separation of the twins so that Antoinne could continue was not taken in the humorous manner it was intended and Stubbs had to be taken to hospital after one of the twins toe punted him in the shins, fracturing his shin bone.

The French team were less vulnerable after the twins departure as their goal was permanently manned and Raydon only managed to notch a further 5 goals, making the final score 17-0. Whilst it would be unwise to make a prediction as to how Raydon will do in the league based on such a one-sided performance, it was obvious that they will win the league.

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