Having recovered from a chronic bout of rodent flu, during which he had such a violent sneezing fit that one of his lungs ended up in his mouth and had to be surgically shoved back down his throat by his wife using a dessert spoon and which kept him sidelined in an isolated intensive care unit for six months, a recuperating Malcolm Baggio has spent two weeks analysing videos of all Raydon games from the 2005-2006 season, kindly recorded by chairman Lionel Stubbs on an old cine-camera. Here he is now to convey his thoughts on them using the ancient art of ‘writing’.

2005-2006 was a season of “if onlys”, “oh no's” and “for f*ck sakes” at Clockton Park. Decimated by injuries and reluctance from some to play, Raydon lost more games and conceded more goals than in all of the previous 19 seasons added together. They only managed to field eleven players in 3 out of 24 matches, with an average player count of 8.73.

In the away match again Woolverstone Hampton Wanderers and the following home match against Woolpit Of Midlothian, Raydon only fielded six players as several of the squad were on Saul Quan’s stag fortnight in Melbourne. Although they were trounced 23-0 in the Woolverstone game, Raydon found their Woolpit opponents in extremely sympathetic mood. In order to try and make a game of it, the Woolpit players volunteered to only use their weak feet, only have one touch per player at a time and to only move round at walking pace. The plan backfired as Raydon’s six men sailed to a 25-1 victory, their only win of the season.

For most of the campaign Raydon were without key goal-line breacher Dougie McManahammond, midfield piston-grinders Les Candlestick and Mansley Kilkorkey, and defensive stop-cocks Andy Slipper and Buster Davonhaddock.

McManahammond was ruled out of the entire season having picked up a nasty case of gangrene to his left leg, which developed after he picked at a tiny tiny little scab on his knee. “Yeah, I was out swimming at Felixstowe and I accidentally swam into the path of a bloody great ferry,” relayed McManahammond. “Fortunately I managed to surface dive beneath the ferry but one of the propellers just nicked my knee as it rowed past. I couldn’t resist picking at the scab that appeared a few days later.” McMannahammond was lucky that he didn't need to have his leg amputated from the resultant gangrene but he managed to overcome the condition by adhering to a strict bathing, exfoliating, cleansing, rinsing and moisturising routine. Despite the improvement in his condition, the gangrene started to return as he couldn’t resist picking at the scab again. He ended up having to have cone shape collars, (similar to the ones fitted to dogs’ necks by vets), attached to his wrists to prevent him from scratching the scabs.

Candlestick’s season came to an abrupt end only two minutes into the opening game. After powering home Jack Funtingdale’s cross with a far post header to give Raydon an early lead against Eye Caledonian Thistle, Candlestick sprinted away, pulling his shirt over his head in celebration. Unfortunately, not being able to see where he was going, he ran out into the road which runs alongside the pitch and got knocked over by a Daewoo Nexia, suffering two shattered arms and legs, a really badly grazed chin and a twinged brain in the process. Candlestick was advised not to take part in any activity that involves thinking or moving for at least a year, ruling him out of not only football but also his other big love, Top-Trumps. To literally add insult to injury, Candlestick’s goal was ruled out for offside and the resultant freekick led to Eye breaking away and taking the lead. The last thing Candlestick saw as the ambulance left the ground was the Eye players celebrating wildly and making offensive gestures towards him.

Mansley Kilkorkey has missed much of the season due to an unfortunate reluctance to play, whilst Andy Slipper has had problems with his Oestrogen levels. Exploratory keyhole surgery revealed that his hormones had gone all skew-whiff and he was admitted to a peaceful woodland retreat in Leeds City Centre to recuperate.

Meanwhile Buster Davonhaddock was out for most of the season with an ache.

Roland Peters worked round the clock to try and bring in replacements for the absentees. He spent a total of 75.4 hours in discussion with a number of transfer targets. In order to find the time to conduct the negotiations, he had to pull “sickies” from his job as an HR Supervisor at Owen Owen on 7 occasions and managed to wangle a further 3 days compassionate leave by saying his wife had a scrotal infection.

Despite his efforts, Peters was thwarted time and time and time and time again in his attempts to sign players. One of his transfer targets, out of favour Sicklesmere and Diamonds midfielder Ernie Irwin, sprained his wrist so severely while actually signing the contract that his hand twisted 360 degrees in its socket and his whole arm had to be realigned using an industrial mallet, a spirit level and an ingenious series of pulleys. He has been ruled out of day-to-day life until late 2007.

Peters tried to sign defensive cog Vernon Yykes from Finborough of the South but the deal fell through when he passed peacefully away after falling under a combine harvester.

Want-to-sign-for-Raydon net-bulger Xavier Quentin, of Wetheringsett-Cum-Brockford Redskins was set to sign on the dotted line. However the deal was scuppered at the last trillisecond when it transpired in a training session that his footballing ability fell short of the required standard and manager Roland Peters told him, in no uncertain terms, to “f**k off back to Wetheringsett-Cum-Brockford Redskins”

Raydon were duly relegated from the Premier Division of the Kaliber 9% Special Brew league, the first relegation in the club’s history. In the final game of the season, a 4-0 home defeat to Drinkstone North End, a high percentage of Raydon diehards stayed behind after the game calling for Manager Roland Peters to be axed. However, as Raydon only have about a dozen regular supporters, this high percentage equated to only 7 fans and Chairman Lionel Stubbs simply told them to fuck **f.

The summer has allowed Raydon’s injured players time to recover whilst on the transfer front there has been one departure and one arrival.

Central defender Buster Davonhaddock’s ache, which ruled him out last season, has been attributed to a severe allergy to air. He now has to wear a specially designed air proof suit that covers his entire body and is impossible to play football in. Davonhaddock is looking into travelling to Indonesia for pioneering surgery to remove his skin follicles.

Davonhaddock’s replacement is new signing Keith Heath who recently moved to Raydon from Wales. Despite being a central defender, Keith is only 5 foot 4 tall and weights just under 10 stone. However, at his former club, Llwnnhfrtplkjyxw Rovers he was voted “most fiercesome tackler” at the end of every one of his nine seasons with them. Peters snapped him up like a hungry crocodile in the Australian Outback snapping at an over-confident tourists’ hand.

The final piece in the jigsaw was persuading Mansley Kilkorkey – who couldn’t be arsed to play during the 2005-2006 season – to take to the pitch again. Peters achieved this with a little help of his gangster friend from the East End “Ted the Violent Maniac.”

Raydon have played a series of challenging pre-season friendlies in preparation for the 2006-2007 campaign. They played particularly well in the annual charity match against their wives, winning 42-0, but their sternest test came against Strasbourg Villa, a French outfit over in England for a pre-season tour. The Strasbourg team are a semi-professional outfit who play in the French equivalent of the Vauxhall Conference (le Conférencé de la Vauxhallé). The Raydon game was one of three UK friendlies to be played on consecutive days arranged by Strasbourg Villa’s manager, Thierry Mardi-Mecredi, without consulting an English atlas. Their other opponents were John O’Groats Rangers and Lands End Athletic.

Raydon welcomed back all of last seasons long term absentees as well as new signing, Keith Heath at central defence. Strasbourg’s superior ability and experience was very much evident in a first half which saw the ball spend 86% of the time in the Raydon penalty area and 29% of the time in their six yard box. However, goal-attempt thwarter Ian Buffalo performed heroics in the Raydon goal, making 19 fingertip saves and catching 17 crosses. Prozone stats revealed that, despite being the goalkeeper, he was the most active player on the pitch, exuding nearly 6 pints of sweat and spending 17% of the first half in mid air. Raydon continued to feel the kosh after the break but Buffalo and his defence held firm. Andy Slipper made a goal line clearance that was so acrobatic that his shorts split around the balls region. In the absence of any spare shorts, there was a delay while Elaine Funtingdale sowed up the hole – a delay which was extended somewhat when she accidentally pierced Slipper’s scrotum with her needle and he needed treatment from physio Lionel Stubbs – whose’ application of Deep Heat to the scrotal wound did nothing to speed up proceedings.

Slipper eventually returned to the action and Raydon continued to fight an uphill cause until the 6^th minute of injury time when, with the first Raydon attack of the game, striker Dougie McManahammond broke free and rifled home from 25 yards to give Raydon a 1-0 win. It was only the third time in the game that McManahammond had ventured into the opponent’s half.

Manager Roland Peters said after the game, “We were the best team throughout and it would have been a total miscarriage had we not clinched that winner.”

Raydon go into the new season with a full squad available, confident that they can regain their status in the top flight of the Kaliber 9% Special Brew league. Manager Roland Peters said, “With everyone available we will be very strong and whilst I think it’s going a bit far to say that promotion is a foregone conclusion, it goes without saying that it will definitely definitely happen.”

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