Football reporter-cum-dentist Malcolm Baggio has found a cavity in your raydon news-gums which he has picked at with a rusty dental implement and is now ready to repair with a football filling full of news relating to the antics of Raydon Athletic Football Club. Don’t worry he’s injected your jaw with horse tranquiliser and you won’t feel a thing!

Raydon's new changing complex, which was originally scheduled to open in February, finally opened in September after a delay caused by a local botanist who discovered a rare species of nettle growing in the vicinity of the complex. The local council put a halt to the building’s construction to protect the nettle until it mysteriously disappeared one night. The only clue to its disappearance was the sighting of a middle aged walking towards the area with a pair of shears in one hand. The witness described the man as “5 foot 10 and definitely Roland Peters”.

With the nettle gone the complex was built. To celebrate the long awaited opening of the facility, the club held a race night at their club bar which attracted a large and jovial turnout. The night was organised by millionaire chairman Lionel Stubbs who used the same footage as he has done at the clubs six previous race nights. Fortunately the attendees were so p*ssed by the time the first race started that they didn’t notice or care. Indeed, their suspicions weren’t even aroused by Stubbs correctly backing the first, second and third placed horses for all 12 races.

On the pitch, and following a season that had “mid-table mediocrity” written all over it in massive black writing on a luminous yellow background, Raydon have made a literally breathtaking* start to the 2008/2009 season.

Peters has been playing a complex and unorthodox 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation with a front-line of Dougie McManahammond playing slightly ahead of George Mnunga, playing slightly ahead of Dave Mackinackie, playing slightly ahead of Dwyn Wynwynch, with Wynwynch slightly ahead of midfielder Les Candlestick, playing slightly ahead of Saul Quan, playing slightly ahead of Sid Chopper, with Chopper slightly ahead of defender Derek Diffydale playing slightly ahead of Andy Slipper, playing slightly ahead of Mal Chipaway. Peters ranted from the touchline like one of the infected zombies in ‘28 Days Later’, whenever the team got out of ‘sequence’ during a game.

The emphasis on attack with the four-man front line resulted in goals, goals, goals, goals, goals, goals, goals, goals, goals and goals - at both ends of the field.

Here’s a summary of the matches played to date:

Raydon Athletic 9-8 Framlingham St Town
A classic 17-goal thriller, great entertainment for the neutral. Unfortunately it was p*ssing down with rain and the only spectators were the two managers, the substitutes and number one fan Reg Shuttlebuck who was in attendance despite being in the midst of an horrendous bout of gastric flu. Reg kindly braved the elements in order to provide me with a match report as I was unable to attend the game due to a really really bad veruca. Unfortunately I was unable to decipher any of Reg's 5-page scrawl due to rain and snot smudges.

However, I was able to glean enough information from chatting to Roland Peters in the pub afterwards to ascertain that the game was notable for Dywn Wynwynch scoring the “perfect” double hatrick using his head, his right foot, his left foot, his right hand, his left hand and his buttocks.

AFC AC Semer 12-13 Raydon Athletic
There was again only one goal in it with Raydon edging it by the odd goal in 25. They had to come from behind twelve times during the game but they snatched a winner with the last touch of the game when McManahammond was put through on goal and finished with such power that he literally** split the goal net.

Raydon Athletic 8-4 PSV Long Melford
Raydon coaxed the ball about beautifully for 45 minutes, luring it home 8 times. After the break, Raydon relaxed their muscles resulting in substantial leakage, four goals being conceded.

Olimpique de Brundish 0-4 Raydon Athletic
A comparatively dull affair for the Raydon faithful who left in their droves*** at half time with their team leading 2-0. Dwyn Wynwynch has been the star of the season so far and he again put in a virtuoso performance of such supreme skill that some supporters were literally**** fainting in amazement.

Raydon Athletic 7-5 Rapid Campsea Ashe
Bottom of the table Rapid Campsea Ashe hadn't scored a goal previously this season before this game but Raydon's attacking approach left them as open at the back as Julian Clarey. Fortunately they were able to squeeze home seven goals to put the outcome beyond doubt, but defensive purists would have gone literally***** mental at Raydon's gung-ho approach.

Orford Castlers 2-8 Raydon Athletic
There was panic and pant-sh*tting in the Raydon camp after only two minutes when keeper Ian Buffalo collapsed in pain after the ball hit him in the face. Raydon didn’t have a sub keeper on the bench and midfielder Saul Quan, who is also a competent goalkeeper was not playing as his wife had nagged him into driving her to Cardiff to pick up a nail file she’d successfully bid for on ebay.

Buffalo’s pain was exacerbated by a mouth ulcer on that little piece of skin inside your bottom lip. He was able to continue after the application of Bonjela by physio Lionel Stubbs.

When the game eventually restarted, Orford gained the upper initiative, scoring two goals and in doing so gaining the accolade of being the first team to be two goals ahead of Raydon during a game this season. Fortunately, Raydon had enough gumption in their bowels to muster eight goals and tease a snug, warm victory out of the fixture. Dwyn Wynwynch was again the hero notching 4, creating 4 and missing 12.

Raydon manager Roland Peters has been pleased with the start that Raydon have made. "It's early days but if we carry on like this we will have sewn the title up by Christmas. I tell the players at every training session the importance of not being complacent. There's nothing worse than complaxency. However, I also remind the lads that they are easily the best team in the league and they should be under no illusions that they will definitely walk away with the title. It’s ok to be complacent as long as you’re definitely going to win – and we will.”

“We've been scoring and conceding goals for fun – and we are having fun, we’ve all been grinning like loonies - and it's provided some great entertainment. It's important to remember that we're in the entertainment business at the end of the day.” At this point I reminded Peters that Raydon are an amateur football team and hardly a business in the same way as a professional football team. The interview was duly terminated as a minor scuffle ensued in which I sustained a bleeding brow.

* The match against Framlingham was so action packed that one fan was unable to pause to catch his breath due to the excitement and ended up passing out.

** Well ok, not literally.

*** 3 members of the 10-strong crowd left as they had a family barbecue to go to.

**** Again, not literally.

***** And again, not literally.

If you've been affected by any of the issues featured in this report, call Dwight on 01111 111111.

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