Raydon battled for the all-important fourth goal. It finally came in the 90^th minute when midfielder Jack Funtingdale rose to power home Andy Slipper’s right-wing corner. The Raydon players and supporters were in raptures and there was a five-minute delay before they had clamed down sufficiently for play to resume. Chairman Lionel Stubbs was so excited that he literally wet himself and had to retire to the dressing room to change his trousers and pants.

 

The players crammed into three cars with Roland Peters, Chairman Lionel Stubbs and number one fan Reg Shuttlebuck driving. It was an incredibly dicey journey [to Aldeburgh] in view of everybody’s hungover state. Roland Peters momentarily nodded off an incredible 23 times during the journey but fortunately his four passengers were all on hand to nudge him back to life every time he slipped into unconsciousness. Other than Peters’ car clipping the walking stick of an old lady on her way to church sending her sprawling, the party managed to avoid colliding with anything.

 

Manager Roland Peters said after the game, “I don’t know why we bother playing these poxy games [friendly matches against wives / sons] every year. We’ve been far too good for the sons in previous years and this year we’ve been far too good for the wives. It’s a bloody waste of time. We could have beaten this bunch of nobodies without bloody breaking sweat…..It’s absolutely….” The interview was cut short when Peters’ wife clouted him round the head with one her stilettos leaving a small indentation in his forehead.

 

The drama was not over as Thetford won a penalty in the dying seconds after left back, Jean-Pierre Duval yanked a Thetford striker’s ponytail in a bid to stop him breaking into the area. Goalkeeper Ian Buffalo’s only previous involvement of any significance in the contest was the unfortunate incident that led to Thetford’s goal. This time though, his artificial arm proved to be the saviour. As the Thetford striker blasted a perfect penalty towards Buffalo’s top right hand corner, he quickly ripped his artificial arm off and threw it at the ball, deflecting it wide. The referee sparked fury amongst the Thetford Players by not only refusing to allow them to retake the penalty but also by awarding a goal-kick instead of a corner on the grounds that no part of Buffalo’s body actually touched the ball.

 

The match kicked off with Raydon attackers in rampant form. McManahammond, Mnunga and Mackinackie scored early goals to put Raydon three up. Meanwhile Raydon keeper Ian Buffalo was a bored spectator, so much so that he popped to the beer tent for refreshments. His absence had no negative impact on his team’s fortunes, despite there being a five minute queue at the bar and Raydon conceding two corners and a free kick on the edge of their own box while he was gone. Buffalo was called into action shortly after returning to the fray carrying a bottle of lager. A Wenhaston player struck a speculative 30-yard drive goalwards. Buffalo tossed his bottle of beer high into the air and dived acrobatically to his right to tip the ball wide with his artificial arm. He then recovered in impressive fashion to launch his body to the opposite side of the goal and catch the bottle of beer in his left hand while in mid-air. Wenhaston pulled a goal back from the resulting corner.
(TWTD Issue 64)

Kit Manageress Elaine Funtingdale voiced her concerns about the increasing amount of dog’s muck on Raydon’s Clockton Road pitch. Several suggestions were made regarding how to combat the problem. Roland Peters suggested hiding behind a tree and shooting any canine offenders with his twelve-bore shotgun. This idea was scuppered by Mansley Kilkorkey who pointed out the serious legal implications of such action and, more importantly the lack of any suitable trees in the vicinity of the pitch. It was eventually agreed that the simplest solution was to install a series of CCTV cameras around the pitch which would be linked to screens in a secretly located specially constructed underground control centre.
(TWTD Issue 66)

Plans are already underway for this Summer’s annual fun-day.

Attractions that are being planned include a chain jump (like a bungee jump but with chain instead of a bungee rope), a rodeo bull (with Mad Oscar - a real live bull from Jack Funtingdale’s farm!) and a traditional Anglo Saxon body-piercing stall.
(TWTD Issue 66)

The biggest match of the season took place on 15th March in the Grimwades-of-Ipswich Cup semi-final against Flowton Hotspur on a neutral ground in Lowestoft. Raydon were forced into a late team change after goalkeeper Ian Buffalo was struck down with stigmata during the pre-match warm up. This peculiar condition, where blood seeps out of the wrists and ankles in an apparent replication of the suffering of Jesus at the crucifixion, was especially strange in Buffalo’s case as he has an artificial left arm and the blood was seeping out of his plastic wrist.
Injury Update: Ian Buffalo still continues to suffer from the stigmata. He has been visited by a senior priest from the Vatican and is to feature in Songs of Praise and Panorama later in the year.
(TWTD Issue 67)

There was drama early in the second half when Edgar Confiture was involved in a scuffle with Jack Crankleshank. A hefty, sliding challenge from Crankleshank sent Edgar and his [Siamese] twin Antoinne flying. The tackle went unpunished and as Edgar and Antoinne laid helplessly on the pitch, the loose ball dropped to Jack Funtingdale on the halfway line who sent the ball sailing into the empty French goal for Raydon’s 12^th. The Siamese twins remonstrated with Crankleshank, and Edgar, incensed by Crankleshank's nonchalant attitude to the incident, swung a punch at him, catching him on the chin. Fortunately Crankleshank’s central defensive partner, Mal Chipaway intervened as he was about to unleash what would have almost certainly been an unnecessarily violent attack on the twins. There was then an extremely unusual incident as the referee sent off Edgar Confiture, and the French coach had no option but to substitute his Siamese twin Antoinne so that Edgar could leave the pitch. Raydon physio, Lionel Stubbs’ offer to attempt an emergency separation of the twins so that Antoinne could continue was not taken in the humorous manner it was intended and Stubbs had to be taken to hospital after one of the twins toe punted him in the shins, fracturing his shin bone.
(TWTD Issue 68)

Lionel Stubbs’ ambitious floodlight installation scheme of the mid-nineties had unfortunately reached no further than erecting a couple of rickety old telegraph poles with torches gaffer-taped to them either side of the pitch.

 

Raydon quickly went further ahead with Dougie McManahammond rocketing home a smashing 50 yard drive which ricocheted between the goalposts 7 times before finally crossing the line and nestling in the back of the net like a small fluffy kitten cuddling up inside a large, soft duvet.

 

Raydon’s Andy Slipper blasted the ball at the Godfrey Shanks, the referee, in frustration. The ball struck Shanks on the rectum and he fell to the ground in agony, grasping his buttocks. Raydon physio Lionel Stubbs rushed to Shanks’ attention and found that the impact of the ball had aggravated his piles. Although Stubbs had no surgical gloves, a quick thinking Roland Peters rushed to the local pub, returning minutes later with a packet of condoms. Stubbs rolled a condom over each hand and duly set about applying Anusol to Shanks’ tattered hindquarters. Shanks however was barely conscious, such was the intensity of his rectal pain. The two teams agreed that the match would again have to be postponed and they would arrange to reconvene at a future date to play the remaining 30 seconds of the match. Stubbs placed the condoms in his physio bag, including the ones he had just used, and drove the referee home.

The next available date was three weeks later. The Orford team made the 30-mile trip to Raydon for the sixth time. Godfrey Shanks had recovered from his piles and was fit to take the whistle. Andy Slipper was particularly disappointed as he made the 120-mile trip from his home in Surrey only for the referee to start proceedings by sending him off for striking the ball at him. A furious Slipper again blasted the ball at the referee but this time, Raydon’s keeper Ian Buffalo was standing close by and he managed to dive and tip the ball wide of the referee’s anus.
(TWTD Issue 69)

They were five points clear at the top of the table after fifteen games when Banoffi Harrison was injured [in America]. Without Harrison’s goals the points dried up and Raydon were relegated, failing to win another game that season. To be fair, the slump was partly caused by the fact that Raydon manager Roland Peters and seven key players travelled over to America and kept a vigil at Harrison’s bedside for six months. A squad of just ten players was left behind to battle out the remainder of the season. “It was an emotional time,” Roland Peters told me. “It was so sad sitting at Banoffi’s bedside, seeing such a talented youngster in such a dilapidated state. It was emotionally draining. To be fair though, we did take it in turns, one-at-a-time, to sit with him while the others went out on the piss, partying. Looking back it was probably the best six months of my life. And I do think our presence helped his recovery, even though it was seven-and-a-half years after we returned home that he finally woke up.”
(TWTD Issue 70)

Harrison’s comeback is widely accepted by experts to be, ‘the most remarkable achievement since the construction of the pyramids in ancient Egypt.’ With over two miles of steel pins and wiring holding his body together, Harrison’s body is now made up of 90% man-made materials.
(TWTD Issue 70)

In order to mark the euphoria of the England rugby team’s historic World Cup victory, Raydon Athletic agreed to play Raydon Harlequins Rugby Team in a charity rugby match to raise money for Aches, Gripes and Niggles Research. None of the Athletic team had ever played rugby before but Chairman Lionel Stubbs once played rugby touch at primary school and he led the squad in a 15-minute training session on the morning of the match. Due to the lack of rugby balls, they trained using footballs and just imagined they were rugby balls. The Harlequins are regarded as one of the best rugby teams in Suffolk having won their league for the last twelve seasons. However, an optimistic Roland Peters said before the game, “My lads are a tough bunch and, although none of them have ever previously played a match of rugby, I think we’re physically and mentally strong enough to beat this bunch of half-brained, freakish neanderthals.”
(TWTD Issue 71)

After a particularly rousing half-time team talk from manager Roland Peters in which he swore no less than 143 times and shouted so much that he burst his larynx for the third time in his managerial career, the Athletic players returned to the pitch extremely fired up and ready for a scrap. However Harlequins sailed to an easy 42-11 victory.
(TWTD Issue 71)

The first half did not go to plan. After just 2 minutes Mal Chipaway conceded a free kick right on the edge of his own box, the referee harshly adjudging that he had tripped an opposing striker at knee level which caused the player to be rushed to hospital with blood pouring from a deep gash. Chipaway, still fired up from his rugby experience, argued with the ref about the decision and the ref responded by moving the kick forward 10 yards as punishment. Chipaway foolishly reacted again, using expletives and obscenities that were so offensive that some watching females were reduced to tears. The ref again picked the ball up and walked forwards ten yards which took him over the goal line. He placed the ball over the line and in a controversial and somewhat incorrect interpretation of the rulebook, awarded a goal to Diss, crediting himself as the scorer. Chipaway was also shown a yellow card, and was so intent on confronting the referee again that he had to be physically restrained by his fellow players, the Diss players, their manager, 26 spectators and the winch of a neighbouring farmer’s tractor.
(TWTD Issue 71)

One of the most interesting discoveries [in the archaeological dig at Clockton Park] was that of a human tooth dating back to the mid-1970’s. Raydon manager Roland Peters suggested that tooth belonged to former Sporting Bentley striker Charlie Booper who lost four teeth in a mid-match scuffle with Raydon legend, the late Pete Clockton. Apparently Clockton struck Booper so hard in the face that three of Booper’s teeth became embedded in his knuckles. The whereabouts of the fourth had been a mystery until now. A nostalgic Raydon manager Roland Peters, who played in that very match, decided to track down Booper in order to return the tooth. Having been unsuccessful despite exploring various avenues - the local phone book, a five minute search on the internet after a heavy night’s drinking and a tiny tiny little advert in the parish magazine – he contacted ITV’s Surprise Surprise to enlist their help. The programme’s researchers located Booper living in the middle of the Amazonian Rainforest teaching members of a local tribe to play the harpsichord. Peters’ was flown out with a film crew and after a two-week trek he was reunited with Booper. The show will be aired in the autumn and is worth watching, if only to see Peter’s face when Booper failed to recognise him or recall losing his tooth, or indeed ever playing football for Sporting Bentley. Since returning home, Peters has remembered he was thinking of an ex-player called Charlie Looper, who now lives in the same road as him and who was pleased to have his tooth returned in a reunion which took place behind closed doors.
(TWTD Issue 72)