Raydon Ramblings - 31) TWTD Issue 91 Raydon sign seven players on loan

Following the successful “I’m a Raydon Player, Get me the Flying F*ck Out of Here,” charity event in which nine Raydon regulars inadvertently, but somewhat predictably, were serious injured, Roland Peters hastily signed seven players on loan for the rest of the season.

A summary of these players in bullet point format follows this colon:

Italian Goalkeeper Marco Pastalanio who despite being only 4 foot 8 is extremely athletic and can jump his own height from a standing start. Pastalanio, 47 was signed from Rapid Great Cornard where he has been out of favour since 2002. Pastalanio once played in an under 16 game with two players who went on to play in the same team as a couple of lads who nearly played for Italy’s Under 21 B team but didn’t in the end as they were deemed “lucicrously short of the required standard.”

Roland Peters’ 18 year old nephew Bob Smidley who impressed Peters during a recent game of Subbuteo at a family gathering. Peters has yet to see Smidley play football proper but he told Those Were The Days, “He displayed great tactical astutidity and whopped my ass at Subbuteo big time. If he can translate the flicking of a Subbuteo player against a small plastic ball thus projecting it into a small imitation goal net into curling a football into the top corner of a goal net from 30 yards beyond the despairing outstretched arms of a goalkeeper then we will be laughing our bowels off!”

Kurt Quasi – an all round utility player who can play just about anywhere across the park but to a poor verging on very poor standard. Quasi was at Sparta Melton but had a rather obscure clause in his contract stating that if a manager called Roland came in for him they had to let him go. (We have since discovered that the clause contained virtually every male name in the world - Ed)

Nobby Akkilokipok - an attacking midfielder who is the only footballer from an Eskimo background currently playing football in South Suffolk. Akkilokipok was recently voted the 11^th best Eskimo footballer in the world on an Eskimo cable TV channel. There are around fifteen in existence.

Robbie Toadby - a former Athletico Sutton Hoo player who Peters literally swooped for as soon as he realised he was out of contract. Toadby has impressed Peters in the past when Raydon have played Sutton Hoo, even though he has only ever been on the bench and never actually played. Peters is said to have been impressed with his general attitude and demeanour on the bench and hopes to employ him as an unused substitute in order to encourage and inspire other substitutes.

Dwyn Wynwynch - a Welsh striker who started his career in the ticket office at Wrexham. Was once the subject of a two minute feature on Sky Sports News for being the only footballer in Northern Europe whose name contains the letters ‘w’, ‘y’ and ‘n’ three times. He did hold the accolade for the whole of Europe until Norwegian toddler Dannwynstad Windywyndted was signed by Oslo Rangers under 4s which ousted Dwyn from that proud podium.

Tony Eves – A very promising young central defender who at aged 13 is Raydon’s youngest ever first team squad member. Signed from Thurston Thursday, Eves is described as a “wholehearted stalwart who is not afraid to go in where it hurts.” Raydon were able to snap Eves up after he was banned by the Bury St Edmunds Northern Rock Under 11 League having been exposed as an over-aged player.

It took a while for the new players to bed in with Raydon losing three games on the trot. However they recently secured a morale boosting victory over Bildeston Builders (who are actually all builders by profession), who were third in the table at the time. The effervescent Pastalanio put in a man of the match performance in goal catching every single shot, pass and cross that Bildeston put into his area meaning that his central defence barely had a kick and Peters was able to move to a 2-5-3 formation in the second half.

The game was won by Wynwynch who, after a bewildering run during which he ran the length of the pitch then back to the edge of his own area, then back up the pitch again, let fly with a shot which was so accurately placed that for a second it became lodged in the top left corner between the crossbar and post before slipping over the line.

Youngster Eves – weighing a mere 8 stone – has struggled to compete effectively against many of the gigantic beer-gut laden opponents he has faced, some of whom are literally three times his weight. He has burst into tears three times in his short time at Raydon; Once when Pastalanio glared menacingly at him when he underhit a backpass; once when Akkilokipok called him a ‘tit’ for attempting a backheel when facing forwards on his own byline and giving away a corner; and once when a 21 stone opponent landed on top of him during a goalmouth melee, puncturing his lung and his bladder.

Toadby, in contrast, has been a revelation on the bench despite not actually playing a single minute. He has been able to fire up other substitutes before they come on thanks to his general positive vibe, humorous banter and overall enthusiastic ethos. Peters said, “It’s been great to have Toadby in the building. He has been like a huge beam of light that’s brightened up the place like a huge great beacon.” However Peters did admit that he has no intention of playing Toadby. “Oh, good Lord no. He’s an absolutely abomination of a footballer! He’s a lovely guy, don’t get me wrong, but playing him in a football match would be like adding tarmac to a curry.”

Raydon are currently placed in upper mid table and with a strong end to the season could still successfully bring some Brassware to Clockton Park.